The Wedding
by Rose Marion BAD WOLF
Summary: Phan/Welcome to Night Vale crossover. Cecil and Carlos are finally having their traditional Night Vale wedding, and Intern Dan is filling in for the day. Despite the responsibility of being the Voice of Night Vale, Dan can't keep his mind off the town's mysterious new arrival: Phil Lester. Generally lighthearted, but with the standard Night Vale twist. (from 2014 Phandom Big Bang)


**A/N**: Hi, this is Naomi. You may have heard a horrible rumor that I've phased out of reality, but I assure you, this is definitely Naomi, the 100% real creator of The Wedding — always have been, always will be… I hope.

A few announcements before we get started: I would like to take this opportunity to thank my glorious beta, uhnonniemiss (on tumblr) — without her this fic would have fallen into the eternal void long ago. My amazing artist, isthisjustphantasy (on tumblr) — without her this fic would not have been brought to life and sentience. My best friends and cheerleaders, JustGoogleIt (on fanfiction net) and mostlyyoutubers (on tumblr) — without them this fic wouldn't have ever existed, therefore causing a paradox capable of destroying the fabric of reality. This has been Naomi. Definitely – probably – definitely. And hey – thanks.

**XXXXX**

**Cecil**: "Pick a card, any card… but not that card. That card is forbidden. You have just lost any chance of escaping with your ignorance intact. Welcome… to Night Vale!"

**[theme music plays]**

**Cecil**: "Love is in the air today, dear listeners. Can you smell it? Just tip your head back, close your eyes, widen your nostrils, and inhale the deep scent of melting roses, chocolate aortas, and pine smoke. I know what you're thinking, but no, it's not the terrifying reality of Valentine's Day. It's my wedding! – and I'm coming to you live from my portable recording studio at the reception! That's right, Night Vale, Carlos finally convinced me to become his blushing bride!"

**Carlos**: "Cecil, I don't think that's how it works."

**Cecil**: "I'm pretty sure it is. I mean, I may not be a scientist, but I do know a thing or two about love."

**Carlos**: [chuckles] "Of course you do, Mr. 'Furry-Pants-Are-Ideal-First-Date-Attire'."

**Cecil**: "I'll have you know those were very in style."

**Cecil**: [clears throat] "Moving right along… Carlos and I decided to have a traditional Night Vale wedding – complete with nuptial spiders and a do-it-yourself pottery class! While I would love to say the wedding went off without a hitch, it is my duty as a community radio host to report only the truth and municipally approved propaganda. Half-way through the sand pouring ceremony, a group of tall winged creatures calling themselves 'Erika' appeared beside the altar and began singing 'Danny Boy', a traditional Irish funeral ballad, in four part harmony. As these beings do not exist, there was no way to politely ask them to leave. However, once the Erikas got to the second verse, the guests joined in, and by the end we were, all of us, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down our faces. It was a truly touching ceremony."

**[music changes]**

**Cecil**: "Just because I'm reporting on my wedding day between bites of my reception dinner does not mean I will be neglecting my regular duties of bringing this town the news. An emergency press conference is being held right now on the dance floor by former Mayor, current Director of Emergency Press Conferences, Pamela Winchell. She is shaking violently and clapping her hands for attention, speaking in a low, gravelly voice. Most of the guests are crowding around her, though a few dedicated listeners have set up portable radio receivers at their tables. I will try to get the microphone close enough that you can hear her, listeners."

**Pamela**: "X marks the spot. Go to the spot and mark it with an X. Kneel beside the X and use your second favorite garden spade to dig a suitably sized grave for a border collie. Place inside the grave your most beloved inanimate object and cover it with a green tarp. The City Council has accepted your offering. You are now free to return to work: shaking, and ever so slightly taller."

**[music changes]**

**Cecil**: "Dinner is winding down. Plates have been all but cleared, leaving only a smear of cranberry sauce and a feeling of detachment. Mayor Dana Cardinal has just wrapped up her best man speech, which happened simultaneously with the press conference so no one was there to hear it. Looks like it's time to cut the cake! Carlos has the traditional box knife in his hand and is waiting for me to… oh, dear. It seems I cannot fulfill my duties as both community radio host and cake-cutting-newlywed."

**Carlos**: "Cecil, why don't you hand the microphone to one of your interns? I'm sure they'd be happy to fill in for you."

**Cecil**: "Great idea, Carlos!" [wistfully] "Ah, married life! Ooh look, there's Intern Dan! I am waving to him. He sees me." [faintly] "Hey, Dan, could you come over here for a minute? …Yes, you." [normal volume] "He's getting up from the intern table and walking over to the portable recording booth at the grooms' table from which I am currently broadcasting. Would you mind filling for a bit? Here, it shouldn't be that hard, just report on what's happening and read out these segments. You know how the sound board works already so… here, just take this… okay thanks, Dan! I owe you one!"

**Dan**: [clears throat] "Uh, hello, listeners. I'm Dan Howell. I'm an intern at the station. Um…"

**Cecil**: [from a distance] "They know who you are, just be a reporter! Tell them what I'm doing!"

**Dan**: "Right! Cecil and Carlos are both holding the box knife and using it to cut their cake. They've put the first slice on a paper plate and have presented it to the City Council who have politely accepted the offering by calling down fire from heaven to devour –"

**John**: "Excuse me, Dan, but I would like to make an announcement. This is John Peters, you know, the farmer? I'd like to let you know that the cake is 100% wheat-free in order to comply with city ordinances and the eternal ban on wheat and wheat by-products. This cake is made with the delicious substitute of imaginary corn flour from my own crops."

**Dan**: "Uh, thanks for that, John."

**John**: "Not a problem. I'm branching out into wholesale corn flour for all your legal baking needs. So just give me a call – I can always hear you. Always."

**[music changes]**

**Dan**: "Cecil and Carlos have made their way to the dance floor where they're playing 'the newlywed game', which involves holding up each other's shoes to answer questions. It looks like the whole town is here… Leanne Hart is sitting at a corner booth and using President of Night Vale Community College, Sarah Sultan (who is also a smooth, fist-sized river rock), as a paperweight to keep her anti-grav napkin from floating off the table. I feel an unwelcome presence breathing down my neck – that must mean the Faceless Old Woman is here! Christian Novelli is sitting in a corner by himself, though he looks quite content, and Hiram McDaniels is helping to put the finishing touches on the crème brûlée!"

**Dan**: "Well, almost the whole town. On my invite it said I could have a 'plus one', so I asked this guy who's kinda new to town, and he said he might show up, but I don't see him. I mean, is that like his way of saying he's not interested? 'Cause I've been inviting him to a lot of different events around town to sorta introduce him to Night Vale, but he always has some reason why he showed up late or has to leave early or…" [coughs] "Sorry, I should really read some of these segments, huh?"

**Dan**: "The Community Calendar: Tuesday is Gazpacho Day! Be on the lookout for tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, onions, garlic, and olive oil stashed all over town. Find and collect as many hidden ingredients as you can to combine in the communal gazpacho pot down by Mission Grove Park. The citizen who has found the most ingredients by the end of the day will earn one stamp for their Alert Citizen card. Remember, collect five stamps, and you get stop sign immunity for one year."

**Dan**: "Wednesday evening you will take your dog for a walk like you always do, but something won't feel right on your way back home. You will look over your shoulder because you feel followed, but no one will be there. You will be scared, confused, but you will not know why. An overwhelming sense of apprehension will fill you, like a child who has lost their mother at the supermarket. Your breathing will become quick and shallow. Your dog will look up at you, sensing your unease. You will not understand what's happening, but you'll know you have to get back home. You will never get back home."

**Dan**: "Thursday is a sale at Ralph's! Two for one on watermelon and misplaced faith."

**Dan**: "Friday will bring an unexpected guest. She will arrive on your front porch. Relief will flood your body, because she was someone you thought you'd never see again. Yet, there she will stand, just a few feet away, reaching… reaching…"

**Dan**: "Saturday is no longer an option."

**Dan**: "Sunday will be a blur of emotion and blissful happiness. Sunday will descend into muted colors and mixed expressions. Sunday will not allow you to understand its complexities. You will not remember Sunday."

**Dan**: "Monday, monotony will return to our lives and we will, all of us, slip back into sluggish automatic muscle responses. Even the intake of caffeine will do nothing to relieve the numbing feeling that Monday will bring to our minds. If we are not careful, Monday will swallow us whole."

**Dan**: "This has been the Community Calendar."

**[music changes]**

**Dan**: "The completed pottery pieces from earlier are being removed from the kiln behind the altar. Guests are being called up to collect their pieces and take them to the painting station… I just can't stop thinking that guy I invited, Phil, would really love this, you know what I mean? He's really into making stuff and he's super creative and smart and a huge dork, and I don't know, I guess I just thought he'd be here by now. He's late a lot but I was just so excited to see him again. I sorta feel like I should watch out for him you know? 'Cause it can get pretty crazy here if you don't have anyone to show you how it all works. I mean, he's been here for a month already but he still doesn't understand that all writing utensils are illegal and he needs to stop writing words and instead just learn to astrally project them onto his intended surface with his mind. I mean, he didn't even file his mandatory… I'm sorry, somebody's trying to get my attention."

**Chris**: "Yeah, that'd be me."

**Dan**: "Is there something you need? I'm kinda busy here, so…"

**Chris**: "You were supposed to do the advert."

**Dan**: "I'm getting to that, yeah."

**Chris**: "Well you're not talking about anything important so I'm just gonna go ahead and do it for you."

**Dan**: "Chris, I don't think I should let you –"

**Chris**: "Hi it's Chris from The Crab Shack! Are you feeling lonely? In need of attention? Don't want people to worry about you too much? Know people will worry anyway? Feeling lonely? Tired all the time? Tired of people worrying about you? Worrying about people being tired of you? Lonely? Don't know where your life is going? Don't know where your feet are going? [with increasing desperation] Lonely? Need a hug? Lonely?! Come to The Crab Shack, located in the basement of the Aquatic Design Center, and be lonely with us! The Crab Shack – we've got crabs downstairs." [sobs]

**Dan**: [coughs] "This has been… a word from our sponsor… I guess."

**[music changes]**

**Dan**: "Carlos and Cecil's urn has turned out quite well… I think. I mean, horrific smelling blue gas is coming from its star shaped holes and… I think the guests over at the Completed Pottery Display Desk are passing out and falling on the floor. Cecil is apologizing for the inconvenience and Carlos is passing out gas masks, but hey, weddings, am I right?"

**Dan**: "You know, I wonder if maybe I should call him? Phil, I mean. 'Cause he said he'd be here and like, he's always a bit late but it's been like forty-five minutes since he said he'd meet me. I wonder if he got detained by the Secret Police for not reciting the sacred words of patriotism this morning. He's always so forgetful… I hope he's alright… I've just felt kinda responsible for him since that day I found him wandering the corridor outside my apartment a month ago."

**Dan**: "His hair was a little singed around the edges and he still smelled of Pine-Sol and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, so I knew he'd just arrived that morning. He told me that he woke up in someone else's flat but he didn't remember how he got there. I just laughed and told him 'it's your flat now'. I spent the rest of the day just showing him around town and explaining a bit about the laws and unwritten rules of our government. I told him how waking up in a fully furnished apartment with no memory of how you got there and only vague hints at where you came from is actually a pretty common way to move to Night Vale."

**Dan**: "Maybe I should have done more to get him used living here? Cecil said I should invite him to more community activities but Phil told me, 'Pointing at the sky and shouting in terror just isn't for me'. I'd never met anyone who wasn't deeply disturbed by the void so I asked him, a little incredulous to be honest, 'So you've never wondered what all the horrific things the empty sky implies? You know, like, existentially?' He laughed – actually laughed – and said, 'Nope, never.' I just don't understand how he can be so calm about it, really."

**Dan**: [shuffles papers] "And now, traffic:

"Between two roads I stand,

simply admiring the view.

Such beauty held in both,

but such sorrow lies there too.

And were I to ever make a choice,

I would have to follow through.

Such beauty and such sorrow

lay hidden in the two.

Should I choose the first,

and to the second say, 'adieu'?

Oh, what a crime it would be,

to ever choose between the two.

Though I do not approve

a choice, it must ensue.

But how could I ever pick

between the beauty in the two?"

**Dan**: "This has been: traffic."

**Dan**: "The area around the Completed Pottery Display Desk has been mostly cleared of smoke, and the guests who inhaled fumes are being treated with pet therapy and fluids. It looks like everyone is going to be just fine and have no lasting –"

**[ominous growl, interspersed with chains clanking against wood]**

**Dan**: "Is it just me or can you hear that? What is that? Er, hang on… Cecil? Cecil! What's that noise?"

**Cecil**: [muffled and from a distance] "That's the station ringtone, Dan! A listener must be calling in – quick, answer it!" [gas mask hisses] "Oh, and don't forget to put them on speaker!"

**Dan**: "Right then…" [click – growling stops] "Night Vale Community Radio. Uh, this is Dan. You're live on air."

**Phil**: [on speaker-phone] "Dan?" [relieved] "Ugh, finally, I've been trying to get through for ages! Your mobile must be turned off or something. I'm glad I thought to call the station though – otherwise I might be stuck out here forever!"

**Dan**: "Phil!" [hesitantly] "Um… hey! What's up? Where are you?"

**Phil**: "I'm not exactly sure…" [bashfully] "I hate to bother you but I seem to have gotten a bit lost, actually."

**Dan**: "Oh, right. Yeah, of course. Where are you right now?"

**Phil**: "Well, I just passed A Feeling of Haunting Unease, and now I'm walking through the Barista District, I think…"

**Dan**: "Phil, whatever you do, do not approach any of the baristas. Even if they look friendly, do not drink anything they give you, okay?"

**Phil**: "Um, alright. But where do I go? How do I get to the reception?"

**Dan**: "Okay, are you facing A Sense of Dread?"

**Phil**: "Yeah, I think so."

**Dan**: "Good. I know you won't want to, but you're gonna have to walk through it to get to A Relieved Sigh."

**Phil**: "Okay… then what?"

**Dan**: "Then it's a short walk through Blissful Freedom before you approach Deadlines. You're gonna want to avoid Responsibilities if at all possible, but if you get to Crippling Anxiety you've gone too far and, basically, you're screwed. Then it's a left at the statue of a cow shaped like a rainbow trout, straight past the open manhole cover leading to the gates of something truly frightening, and another left at the patch of dead grass in a perfect circle. Finally, it's twenty paces forward, eight hops back, spin round once, and take a right on Third Street."

**Phil**: "…and that will get me to the Community Center?"

**Dan**: "God, no! That will get you out of the Barista District!"

**Phil**: [frustrated whine] "I'm never gonna remember all that!"

**Dan**: "Maybe you won't have to. You know what they say…"

**Phil**: [exasperated] "No, Dan, I do not know what they say."

**Dan**: "At the moment of greatest despair and hopelessness, when you least expect it, a shuttle bus will come to you."

**Phil**: "That's… kind of beautiful."

**Dan**: "Isn't it?"

**[line clicks]**

**Dan**: "Phil? Phil, are you still there? …I guess he hung up."

**[music changes]**

**Dan**: "A lot happened while I was on the phone with Phil. Cecil and Carlos performed their first salsa dance as husbands. Can I just say, I had no idea Carlos was such a good dancer! Cecil was… well he tried, and that's what matters, right? Steve Carlsberg wheeled his daughter, Janice, onto the dance floor to share a father-daughter dance, Christian Novelli herded little woodland animals to the floor for the Bunny Hop, and a group of tall, winged beings, who Cecil insists were certainly not angels, lifted Old Woman Josie, though she was still sitting in her chair, high onto their shoulders during a Nicki Minaj song."

**Dan**: "The DJ's playing Toxic by Britney Spears now…" [sighs] "How long could it possibly take to get here from the Barista District? I mean, as long as Phil followed all my instructions properly…" [scoffs] "What are the chances of that happening though, right? I mean, he once called me from the National Guard Station and KFC Combo Store 'cause he couldn't find his way back to our building! And that's only… holy mother of the eternal void–"

**Dan**: [clears throat] "Excuse me, listeners. I apologize for my language just then but… You're never going to believe who just walked in the door." [sarcastically] "Phil Lester has finally decided to grace us with his presence. Seriously though… I've just never seen him in… I didn't even know he owned a suit!" [rushed] "Oh my god, he's coming over here what do I say – Hi, Phil!"

**Phil**: [sheepishly] "Hey, Dan. Sorry about hanging up on you like that… mobile phones aren't allowed on the shuttle bus."

**Dan**: "Heh, yeah – don't worry about it. The bride is always late to a wedding!"

**Phil**: "But I'm not the – never mind."

**Dan**: "I was just about to do the Internet News segment actually so…"

**Phil**: "Right, well, I'll leave you to it then."

**[receding footsteps]**

**Dan**: "Wait! That's… not what I meant…"

**[footsteps stop]**

**Dan**: "You don't have to leave, you know. You could – I mean, if you wanted to – maybe… do it with me?"

**Phil**: "But – I mean – I've never –"

**Dan**: "Oh, c'mon, it'll be fun! All you have to do is listen to me read out these reports and make witty comments now and then. Oh – and wear these glasses!"

**Phil**: "…But it's a radio show… No one can see –"

**Dan**: "Just put on the glasses, Phil. You'll do great."

**[intro music plays, Announcer: "This is the Internet News!"]**

**Dan**: "Internet News!"

**['bong' noise]**

**Dan**: "Popular search site ' ' has recently introduced an "I'm Feeling Unhelpful" button."

**Phil**: "Have they? What's that do then?"

**Dan**: "Well, it says here that when you make a search using the new button, it will take you to a page of images filled with things that sound phonetically similar to your original search."

**Phil**: "Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful."

**Dan**: "Internet News!"

**['bong' noise]**

**Dan**: "A web designer from A Vague, Yet Menacing, Government Agency personally delivered a handwritten note scrawled in a ballpoint pen to the station this morning. Rather, the note was scrawled on his hand. The representative made absolutely certain we would read the note in its entirety on air for all citizens to hear on our show tonight. So, without further ado, the note: "Check your email."

**Phil**: "Their name suits them."

**Dan**: "Internet News!"

**['bong' noise]**

**Dan**: "Finally, we have a video of a puppy howling that sounds like yelling!"

**Phil**: "Aw! I think I've seen this one before actually. He's so cute!"

**Dan**: "Here's the clip!"

**[puppy in deep, demonic voice: "YOU WILL ALL YIELD TO MY POWER"]**

**Dan**: "Aw, isn't that just adorable, Phil?"

**Phil**: "…That… was not the clip I was thinking of."

**Dan**: "Internet News!"

**[outro music plays, Announcer: "The Internet News!"]**

**Dan**: "Thanks Phil!"

**Phil**: "You're right that was actually pretty fun. Maybe I should become a radio presenter?"

**Dan**: "Maybe…"

**Phil**: "You know I've actually always wanted to be a weatherman."

**Dan**: "Really?"

**Phil**: "Yeah, ever since I was a child… I don't really know why, just always a dream of mine for some reason."

**Dan**: "Have I got just the thing for you!"

**Phil**: "What?"

**Dan**: "Would you like to do the honors, Phil?"

**Phil**: "Really? Can I?"

**Dan**: "I don't see why not, I'm already filling in for Cecil, why don't you fill in for me?"

**Phil**: [clears throat] "In that case, I take you now…" [music stops] "To The Weather."

**[PLEASE GO TO /FfD_dKly5LY TO LISTEN TO THE WEATHER. THANK YOU]**

**Dan**: "Has it really been hours since I last talked to you? It feels like minutes – like time just… stopped. Like the rest of the world faded away, and me and Phil were the only ones who existed inside of the endless void we call the universe. My heart was beating out of my chest – literally, Phil had to push it back in place – but it was truly the best moment of my life, listeners. We stumbled over each other during the fast songs, he laid his head on my shoulder for the slow ones, and when they brought out the dartboard we both danced a perfect bulls-eye."

**Dan**: "The guests are packing up their completed pottery, scraping leftovers into doggy bags, and slowly clearing out in small groups. Christian Novelli is personally escorting the ducklings and other woodland creatures back to their respective homes outdoors. Carlos is lounging, exhausted from dancing, on the futon in the corner – Cecil was with him earlier, but Old Woman Josie pulled him away to play Twister with the Erikas and herself. Phil is… walking over to me right now, actually."

**Phil**: "Hey Dan, I was actually gonna get going…"

**Dan**: "Oh. Right… of course…"

**Phil**: "Well, actually I was thinking – only if you want to, of course – maybe you'd like to – obviously you don't have to – possibly… Ah, never mind, you've got a show to finish. Bye Dan!"

**[quickly receding footsteps]**

**Dan**: "See you later then… I guess…"

**[awkwardly long pause]**

**Dan**: [clears throat] "Right, well… uh…"

**[quickly approaching footsteps]**

**Carlos**: "Dan?"

**Dan**: "Carlos, hey! Congra–"

**Carlos**: "Dan, I didn't come here for small talk. I came here to stop you from doing something that you will likely very much regret."

**Dan**: "…I'm sorry?"

**Carlos**: "Here, take this coupon for a free order of curly fries when you buy the roast beef classic…"

**Dan**: "What? Why?"

**Carlos**: "Because, scientifically speaking, you're being an idiot."

**[silence]**

**Carlos**: [sigh] "Just take him to Arby's already."

**Dan**: "I can't!"

**Carlos**: "Why not? I saw you two on the dance floor. He clearly likes you – and can you honestly tell me you don't want to take him out?"

**Dan**: "Of course I want to!"

**Carlos**: "Then take him to Arby's! It worked for me."

**Dan**: "But what if he doesn't like Arby's? What if he's a vegetarian? What if–"

**Carlos**: "You don't even need to go inside… I didn't."

**Dan**: "What are you talking about?"

**Carlos**: "It doesn't matter. Just don't let him walk out that door without at least a proper goodbye."

**Dan**: "But I have to finish the show!"

**Carlos**: "Shh – I've heard Cecil do it a thousand times, I've got this. Go get him."

**Dan**: "But–"

**Carlos**: "Just trust me, alright?"

**Dan**: "Alright! Alright! No need to actually push me out the door, I get your meaning."

**[music changes]**

**Carlos**: "Good." [smugly] "I knew it was a good idea to book the reception across the street from the Arby's." [clears throat] "As the rest of the guests say their farewells, two young, confused, awkward, but so in love citizens of Night Vale walk hand in hand, admiring the lights above the glowing Arby's sign. Their palms may be sweaty, but the blood pumping through their veins brings oxygen to their extremities and makes their hearts beat in sync. The crisp night air ghosting across their skin makes them shiver and causes them to walk closer so their collective body heat can keep them warm. The gravitational pull of the earth under their feet may be 9.78 meters per second squared, but it feels like nothing compared to the pull of each other."

**[quiet approaching footsteps]**

**Cecil**: "I love it when you talk science… it's just so… neat!"

**Carlos**: [chuckles] "Old Woman Josie finally let you win?"

**Cecil**: "She's surprisingly lithe for a woman of her age."

**Carlos**: "I warned you not to let her talk you into anything athletic…"

**Cecil**: [giggles] "She's quite persuasive…"

**Carlos**: "That she is, love."

**Cecil**: "What do you think… are they gonna last?"

**Carlos**: "At an atomic level, their very molecules have been pulling towards each other like magnets for a very long time. So, scientifically speaking, I think if anyone's got a chance, it's those two."

**Cecil**: "You know, they really remind me of how a certain radio host and his perfect scientist husband used to be…"

**Carlos**: "Mmm, I think I like how that story turns out."

**Cecil**: "Me too, Carlos. Me too. Listeners, Carlos and I have a honeymoon in Luftnarp to get to now, but stay tuned next for a new chapter in your life."

**Carlos**: "In all of our lives."

**Cecil**: "Good night, Night Vale."

**[music stops]**

**Cecil and Carlos together**: "Good night."

**XXXXX**

**A/N**: The Wedding is a production for phandombigbang (on tumblr) . It is written by ijustwanttolookgoodindresses (on tumblr) and beta'd by uhnonniemiss (on tumblr). Art is by isthisjustphantasy (on tumblr). The Voice of Night Vale is Dan Howell (danisnotonfire on youtube). The voice of Phil is Phil Lester (amazingphil on youtube). The voice of Chris is Chris Kendall (crabstickz on youtube). This fic's weather was Modern Art by PJ Ligouri. Find out more at kickthepj (on youtube). Comments? Questions? Message me on tumblr at ijustwanttolookgoodindresses

**Today's proverb:** I've never been to the ocean. Is it nice there? I bet it's pretty nice there…


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